


she might've let you hold her hand in school (but i'mma show you how to graduate)

by singsongsung



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 08:00:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2805326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singsongsung/pseuds/singsongsung
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes three: Regan, Tess, and Lily.</p><p>And then Amy meets Kamryn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	she might've let you hold her hand in school (but i'mma show you how to graduate)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cjmarlowe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmarlowe/gifts).



> Yes, the title is from "Bang Bang." It is what it is.

_see, anybody could be bad to you -  
you need a good girl to blow your mind. _

 

 

 

It takes three: Regan, Tess, and Lily.

And then Amy meets Kamryn.

 

 

 

 

Kamryn's name makes her nervous, too many letters in common with a certain other name that's all too familiar on Amy's tongue. Kamryn has dark brown hair and pretty blue eyes and a smile that makes Amy's heart stutter around stupidly. She is witty and sweet; in short, she is terrifying.

Amy meets her just before Christmas in senior year, at some event at the mall that Karma dragged her to. There is music blasting, pop covers of classic Christmas songs by today's tween stars, every note like a hammer against Amy's temples, making her wince. The store that sells sweet-scented body creams has a game outside of its entrance where you can win coupons for some percentage off your purchase, and it is in the ridiculously long line to play this game (a spend-money-to-save-money scam, if you ask Amy's opinion), that she encounters Kamryn.

She doesn't know right away. Kamryn is standing behind Amy and Karma in a group of four girls, disengaged from their bubbly conversation about signature holiday scents. Her gaze drifts around and finally her blue eyes lock onto Amy's, and they smile at each other, a silly moment of kinship:  _this is dumb, right?_

And Amy's gaydar is shitty at best, and somewhere to her left Karma is saying something about Liam, but she looks at Kamryn for that moment and it's something, just  _something_ , the same kind of something she registered as a little girl the first time she held Karma's hand on the playground, and Amy's lips curl into a soft, shy smile, and in the space between a woolly hat and scarf and an infinite amount of curly brown hair, Kamryn's cheeks turn pink.

 

 

 

 

They rendezvous in the hand soap section, the least crowded of the busy store, and Kamryn says, "Hey," and Amy says, "Hey," and her heart starts thudding at the base of her throat.

"I'm Kamryn," says the girl with brown hair and blue eyes and pretty flushed cheeks, as she's jostled by a middle-aged woman on a hand soap mission.

"Amy," Amy returns, as somewhere in the back of her mind those scarily-similar letters register and a voice starts to scream  _abort, abort, abort!_

"I like your sweater," says Kamryn, and there's something in her voice, in the shape of her mouth, that acknowledges what a stupid thing that is to say, and if Amy's mind wasn't moving in a thousand directions at once, it would be something that she'd love.

As it is, she just says, "Thanks," and Karma breezes up to them with a basket full of body lotion.

"Ready to – " she begins, and then registers Kamryn's presence. "Hi," she says.

Kamryn flashes her a smile, eyes darkening with something that might be disappointment. "Hi." She gives a small, throat-clearing cough. "Don't let me keep you. I was just telling Amy that that's a great sweater."

"Right!" Karma chirps, all brightness. "I made her buy it," she confides.

"You have good taste," Kamryn says, while Amy stares at her lips.

There is a lull in the conversation then, while Amy looks at a mouth she'd like to kiss and Karma looks at her best friend expectantly and Kamryn looks at Karma with a certain amount of resignation. And then, out of nowhere –

"She's not gay," Amy says, pointing at Karma.

Both girls stare at her for a moment in a mixture of surprise and amusement, and then Kamryn laughs and Amy's brain says  _fuck, fuck, fuck_  because it's such a lovely sound.

"Let me give you my number," Kamryn says, and, getting the hint from Amy's elbow digging into her ribs, Karma makes herself scarce.

 

 

 

 

All through high school Karma says she's in love with Liam. And then she isn't. And then she is. And then she isn't – but, well, the truth is she kind of still is. Amy watches the ebb and flow of the endless saga and tries to say only supportive things. Time passes and eventually the words  _I loved you before he did and I loved you better_  stop jamming into the back of her throat, begging to be set free, every time Karma says Liam's name.

Amy dates Regan and Tess and Lily for varying amounts of time with varying degrees of seriousness, but she never falls in love. Things with her girlfriends are different than they are with Karma, but those relationships never quite measure up to that achy feeling her love for Karma gave her.

For a while, there is a desperation bubbling just under the surface every time Amy meets a new girl, a longing to be capitol-O Over Karma once and for all, but it fades slowly. Amy gets drunk with girls who kiss her beer-flavoured lips and Amy has orgasms and Amy learns just what her tongue can do to someone else; Amy develops new inside jokes and new interests and new passions about politics; Amy becomes Amy, a single entity separate from Karma, but they keep watching movies together every weekend, keep sleeping in the same bed from time to time.

And then, in the mall, before Christmas, Amy meets Kamryn.

 

 

 

 

Kamryn wants to go to school to study philosophy. She says she loves to ask questions that will never have answers. She explains the Allegory of the Cave to Amy with infinite patience and enthusiasm. She is bright in more ways than one.

She has a younger brother and two parents who are still married and at home, when they tease her, they call her Kammie. She has an ugly pug named Reginald and she takes him for a walk early every single morning. All of her grandparents are dead except one, who is homophobic and has dementia; Kamryn doesn't like to talk about him.

Kamryn leaves hickeys on Amy's collarbone with her teeth. She wears the same bra size as Amy and their underwear eventually ceases to belong distinctly to either one of them and drifts back and forth between their homes depending on who is wearing it. She likes skinny jeans and loose, translucent shirts over camisoles, and wearing her hair in one long braid. She loves when Amy brushes out her hair, closing her eyes and purring like a cat.

Kamryn is many wonderful things, but best of all is the way she is with Karma, the easygoing way she has. She likes Karma's sense of style and is always complimenting her dresses and the braids in her hair. When Amy and Karma dissolve into laughter over some old in-joke from third grade, she tilts her head and smiles and waits to be let in on it. Sometimes, when Karma's on one of her many breaks from Liam, Kamryn will say the nicest things, things that Amy never would have thought of. Kamryn holds Amy's hand under the table when Karma's around, affectionate but not possessive. There are times when they both shake their heads and what Amy is wearing and make her go change her clothes.

Nobody could love Karma quite as much as Amy does, but Kamryn comes close in all the ways that count.

 

 

 

 

College applications loom large over the year. Liam is constantly in a funk about being the heir to the Sporkle dynasty, so he and Karma are in a fight-and-make-up cycle that seems to complete an entire circle almost every day. On the evenings when Karma's avoiding speaking to him lest he begin to grumble, she sits on Amy's living room floor and writes her application essays. Amy sits next to her, trying to organize all of her own thoughts; above them, Lauren has taken over the entire couch with her laptop and her books and her binder full of pro/con lists.

Amy has a longing for the east and Karma wants to go west. It isn't something they talk about. They're both applying to the University of Texas at Austin, but Amy's not sure either of them want to go. It's a symbolic gesture that will suffice until they have to make real-life decisions.

Lauren is applying to the entire Ivy League and Amy keeps exchanging smiles with Karma as they listen to Lauren talk about the future like she's going to be Elle Woods – which, in all honesty, might actually happen.

"Do you think your girlfriend can look this over for me?" Lauren asks Amy. "She gets straight As, right?"

" _Straight_  As," Karma says, wiggling her eyebrows.

Amy rolls her eyes at them both. "Yeah, Lauren, I'm sure Kam would do it."

"Great," Lauren says, and hops up to go to the upstairs office, where the printer is.

Karma and Amy are silent after she's gone, looking down at the brochures all over the floor around them, only two of which are the same.

"Let's watch  _Bring it On_ ," Karma says, and Amy nods, shoving everything under the couch.

 

 

 

 

Late that night neither of them are sleeping, Karma's phone lit up with instagram and Amy's occasionally glowing with texts from Kamryn.

"Are you going to leave with her?" Karma asks. She does not look at Amy.

Amy kind of hates herself for it, but she asks, "Are you going to leave with him?"

 

 

 

 

Kamryn was accepted early to Yale and Amy can see a certain future for them together in her head. In it, she wears lots of plaid shirts and comfy, lace-up boots, and she studies Women's Lit or something else stereotypical of a lesbian college girl. Kamryn impresses all of her professors and drinks five cups of coffee a day. In this future, life is good.

But Amy doesn't know if she can make the switch. She's been the second half of Karma-and-Amy for so, so very long. It would be odd to be the second half of something else.

 

 

 

 

One of the very best things about Kamryn is how accepting she is when Amy abruptly starts talking in the midst of making out. She'll just sort of sigh, re-clasp her bra, and settle in to listen.

Often, Amy's not sure what she's saying – after all, it's been a long time since Amy was sure of much of anything. It takes her a long time to choose her words, and when she finally does, she blurts them all out in a rush before pausing again to think of the next thing she wants to say.

"I love you," she tells Kamryn on a Sunday afternoon, Reginald the pug snuffling around their feet. "And I think that's crazy. I think it's crazy because I'm eighteen and I want to follow you to Connecticut. I'm not even sure I want to love you. I mean – I am, I do, but I – "

"There is always some madness in love," Kamryn says softly. "But there is also always some reason in madness."

Amy looks at her for a long moment and then asks, "Who said that?"

Kamryn grins briefly. "Nietzsche."

Amy grins back, but it, too, is fleeting. "What does Kamryn say?"

It is Kamryn's turn to be quiet, contemplative, and then she says, "I love you, too. Come to Connecticut with me."

Amy's so happy and miserable simultaneously that she could vomit. "Kam…"

"Amy," Kamryn says, soft and gentle. She slips her fingers into Amy's hair. "Karma is wonderful and I know, I really do know, how much you love her. I know I'm the four-month girl and she's the since-the-sandbox girl. But you are eighteen. And so is she. There's a lot more life out there." She shrugs. "Four months can turn into forever."

Squinting at her, Amy asks, "And who's saying that?"

"Me," Kamryn says. "To you."

 

 

 

 

They have one of those 'accidental' movie nights with Lauren, where she comes in and bitches about their movie choice and then sits right down between them, eats all the popcorn, and hushes them whenever they try to talk. Amy and Karma stay on the couch long after Lauren has gone to bed, the empty cushion still between them.

"We could make a pact," Karma says. "To come back here, after."

Amy hugs her knees to her chest. "I don't know if I want to live in Austin for the rest of my life."

"I don't want to live somewhere where you aren't for the rest of my life," Karma says. She turns to face Amy. "We can do what we always wanted to do when we were little – get houses next door to each other and run over in the middle of the afternoon to borrow a cup of flour, or whatever."

Amy smiles at her, soft and sad. "You'll always be my best friend," she says gently. "Always. But we're not little anymore."

Karma's eyes are full. "I wish I could've loved you back like you wanted me to," she says, the last word getting caught on a sob in her throat.

Amy shifts across the cushion between them to wrap her arms around her very best friend. "I know," she says. She kisses Karma's temple. "I know."

 

 

 

 

Amy does not get into Yale but gets into Wesleyan. She mails off her deposit and fills out the online form for roommate selection. Her feelings about it are complicated. When she's with Kamryn, making plans and looking at her girlfriend's bright eyes in her lovely face, she feels over the moon. When she's with Karma, and they're constantly skirting around the subject of the future, she feels like crawling into bed to cry for a day or two.

Her mother is proud, and that feels good. Lauren's decided that she's going to Yale and Amy's actually sort of looking forward to seeing her on the weekends. The teachers at school say that they are happy for her; Amy desperately wants to be happy for herself, too.

And the Kamryn-and-Amy version of herself is. But the Karma-and-Amy version is struggling, and that's the version she's lived with the longest.

 

 

 

 

In May, her naked limbs all tangled with Kamryn's, Amy says, "I want to ask Karma to prom."

Because she is practically perfect, Kamryn purses her lips for only a moment and then says, "Okay."

 

 

 

 

Amy asks Karma with an elaborate scavenger hunt, and the immediate answer is, "Yes." Liam ends up in a huff about it and Amy hears him complain that Karma always puts her before him, but she doesn't care. She has made her peace with Liam in her life, and at times, sure, she feels bad about his family situation, but this isn't about Liam. It's about Karma, and it's about her.

They shop for their dresses together, even though Amy's mom wanted her to go with Lauren and Shane asked if he could come and give his honest opinions. They say no, and they're alone together in the little boutique, disappearing and reappearing from behind thick curtains in dress after dress. Amy buys two, a pale purple dress for her own prom and a teal dress for the one at Kamryn's school, and Karma picks a deep green dress that makes the colour of her hair pop.

Sometimes, still, Amy looks at Karma and is taken aback by how beautiful she is. She has moments like that with Kamryn all the time – watching her sigh in bed or get dressed in the morning or bite her lip as she thinks – but when she has those thoughts about Karma they still take her by surprise.

"Karma," she says abruptly, out loud, accidentally interrupting the sales lady. "I want you to be happy and I want you to tell me if you're not so I can fix it."

Karma looks at her with soft, understanding eyes. "Okay, Amy," she says.

 

 

 

 

Prom is an exercise in déjà vu. Amy and Karma dance all night long and laugh until punch sprays out of their noses and at the end of the night, there are crowns on top of their immaculately-done hair.

Afterwards, in the parking lot, Karma kisses Amy on the lips. It is quick but their mouths linger close together for an extra moment. When Amy is about to speak, Karma just shakes her head.

Kamryn arrives a minute later to pick Amy up. Reginald is sitting between the front seats of the car and Kamryn lifts his paw to wave at them.

Amy gets in the car and behind her Karma says, in the softest voice, "Bye, Amy."

Reginald crawls into Amy's lap and slobbers enthusiastically all over her chin. She closes the door behind herself and says, "See you, Karma."

 

 

 

 

Kamryn drops Reginald off at home and then drives them out of the city. Amy looks out the window and contemplates the stars.

They pull over on an empty road and crawl into the backseat together. Kamryn helps Amy pull the bobby pins out of her hair and then hands her a notebook, says, "I made this for you."

Amy opens it up and discovers that it's a planner. The next year is mapped out: moving day, all her classes, her breaks, weekends when she'll go and see Kamryn, weekends when Kamryn will come and see her, suggested days to fly home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Everything is colour-coded and the purple blocks that appear occasionally suggest Skype dates with Karma, days Karma might come to visit, days off school when Amy might go to her.

"Kamryn," she says, breathless.

"I love you," Kamryn says, smiling, like it's as simple as that.

It took three girls, and just when Amy was beginning to wonder if it was impossible to find anything that would fulfill her just the right way, there was this; there is the girl sitting next to her, smiling like Amy is something, someone wonderful, and Amy's words are slow and thoughtful and easy and deliriously happy: "I love you too."

 


End file.
